He stared deep into the fire. “I don’t know how we managed to stay on our horses, but we did, and that’s why I’m alive to tell of it. Who could know that so simple a thing as sheer distance would be our saving?
“It was sudden as blowing out a candle. The pain just stopped as we clung to our poor terrified mounts and sped away from Illara. We slowed and stared at each other in amazement, and together we reined in and looked behind.
“There behind us in the road were two red patches of light, dissolving like sugar in rain even as we watched. The horses, poor things, fell into an exhausted walk once the smell of the demons was gone. We got down to give them a rest, and because I at least wanted the feel of solid ground under my feet.
” ‘Jamie, what happened?’ says Maran. ‘I thought we were done.’
” ‘My first time, too,’ I told her. ‘Why don’t you try the Farseer?’
“She pulled it out of its swaddling in her saddlebag and said, ‘Show me Berys.’ As I leaned over her shoulder I saw, despite the darkness, a dear vision of Berys looking near death, and of Marikbehind him looking little better. They were being tended by a healer. From the way Berys was lying, I guessed he’d fainted.
” ‘Is he breathing?’ Maran said, almost to herself.
” ‘For all of me he is,’ I told her. ‘Did you think I’d kill him? I admit I was tempted, but I’d had my fill of death in that place already.’ And suddenly I was crying like an idiot. It had washed over me, that poor babe, dying alone and terrified that we might live, I still owe someone for that, you know,” said Jamie thoughtfully. “I swore it to the child.”
‘He stopped to down his ale, I sat unmoving, unwilling to break into his thoughts, wondering when he was going to get to the part that affected me. He kept silent, though, and I couldn’t stand it. “What happened then?”
“What, am I a bard now?” he asked lightly. “If I am your hospitality is lacking. I’m starving,” he said. “It must be two hours past noon.”
I shook myself and looked out the window of the inn. He was right, noon was long gone. It was still raining, but the sky was beginning to lighten in the east with at least some hope of an end to the soaking. The couple in the corner table had finished eating and seemed to be in the midst of an animated discussion.
Jamie stood and stretched. “I should get out to the stables and check up on the lads,” he said. “I’ll get the innkeeper to bring them some of that stew that smells so good, if you’ll arrange the same for us. I’ll be back soon.”
I ordered the stew and a large loaf of fresh bread. By the time it had come Jamie was back, bringing with him a whiff of the stables. It almost smelled homey.
We sat together, as we had always done, and broke bread together. I found myself blushing for the way I had treated him. Blast him, he always could see my thoughts clear as daylight.
“So you’re over your horrors, are you?” he said with a wry smile. “About time, too, ye daft thing.” He leaned across the little table and took my hand. “I never meant to shock you so, my girl, but ifs time you learned there’s more to most people than meets the eye.”
“I know, Jamie. I just thought I knew you.” I stared at him, trying to see in him all the Jamies I had met: oldest friend and truest companion, lover of the mother I had never known, killer for hire, to whom now I owed my life for dispatching but twelve hours past—the ruffian who would have killed me.
He squeezed my hand. “You do know me, Lanen. Better than any save your mother.” He let go my hand and grinned. “Better than you might wish to, I dare say. But at least such friendship means that after we eat I can finish the tale for you.”
Jamie said it was good stew, but I hardly tasted it. The instant he was finished with his bowl I whisked it away, filled his tankard again and sat it squarely in front of him.
“Right. Talk,” I demanded.
He laughed—louder than usual, I suspect the ale was finally affecting him, though his capacity was legendary—and settled back in his chair, gazing at me. It was a measuring glance, though I could not think what he was seeing.
“You know, you’ve been right all these years. You never did suit Hadronsstead, not from your first breath. We’ve not talked so much for years, my girl; save just after Hadron died, and I’ve missed it sore.” His smile broadened. “And you have never ordered me to do anything your life long. It suits you.” This for some reason struck him as amusing. “Just like your mother,” he added, laughing rather too loudly.
I drummed my fingers on the table. This sent him off into another gale of laughter; and I couldn’t help it—I never could hear Jamie laugh and not join in. When he finally stopped, wiping his eyes, he sat and grinned like a cat who’s found the dairy. “As I live and breathe, Lanen, Maran did that very thing when she was annoyed. Where did you pick that up?”
“Nowhere. I mean, I’ve always done it,” I said, surprised. All my life I had gone without any word of my mother, and of a sudden it seemed that she had some part in me after all. “Jamie, why in the name of sense have you never told me any of this before?”
He sobered a bit, at that. “I gave my word, lasso I swore to Hadron that I would not speak to you of your mother as long as I lived under his roof.”
“But why?”
“Ah, well, that’s the rest of the story.” His grin broke out again. “And so you’ve brought me round to it. You’re too damn clever by half, you know. Still, I suppose needs must. I’ve avoided it long enough.” He sipped at his ale.
“You see, Maran and I were lovers again on the road away from Illara.” He shot a keen glance at me, keener than rd have thought him capable of at the time. I kept my face carefully composed. Whatever it was, I needed to hear it.
“We arrived at Hadronsstead not a fortnight before Midwinter Fest. We had not—been there a week before Maran realised she was pregnant. With you. Only,” he said, all his gaiety gonr in the instant, “she wasn’t at all sure who the father was. Me or Marik.”
Without looking at me, without speaking, he drew out a small metal flask from his tunic and passed it to me. I took a swig and let the strong spirits singe my throat. I was glad of the sensation. I think it kept me from doing something stupid like fainting.
I couldn’t think straight. Jamie’s daughter. Marik’s daughter. Mariik’s firstborn, promised to demons and to Berys. Maran, who abandoned me, so careless with her body she didn’t know who my father was. Maybe Jarnie’s daughter…
All of these were loud and most of them were frightening, but louder yet and triumphant, a song of release that soared above the rest, was the glorious thought, Whatever , may be, I am not Hadron’s daughter! He never was my father. His anger at me was not at me. He despised me not because I was worthless but because I was another man’s child. Even though I did not, could not love him, it is not because my heart is barren. Despite all Hadron ever said and I ever thought, I am not a cold, heartless child. Dear Goddess, what a relief!
But there had to be more to the tale.
“Jamie, why did Hadron take her in? Did he not know?”
Jamie sighed. “Ah, Lanen. Well I know you never saw the softer side of Hadron’s loving, but you must believe me. From the moment he met her he was smitten. No matter that she was no beauty, no matter that she had no fortune, no matter even to his strict Ilsan soul that she had travelled with me for over three years. Her manner was free and her heart was light, she was a strange grey-eyed Northern woman who stood in truth head and shoulders above her sisters hereabouts. In a week she had swept him off his sensible feet, he who had never loved another his life long, with her laughter and her brave soul. Before the month was out he asked her to marry him. They were wed a month past midwinter; hardly three weeks after they met.”
He paused, and I had to ask about what he had not said. “You tell me he loved her, very well, I believe you—but Jamie, what of what she said to you? What was it—while I live I shall love you best, something like that.” His face, clouded bef
ore, darkened yet more. “Jamie, I can’t believe it. How could she love him?” When he said nothing, I asked, “Did she love him?”
He closed his eyes, old pain sharp-etched for an instant in his face. “I don’t know. She never told me.”
When he looked up I had to look away. The silence between us danced with shadows, new to me and terrible, but to Jamie they were old ghosts. He knew them well enough; and though they made him sad, they held no longer raw grief, only old sorrow. He spoke again sooner than I would have dreamed he could.
“She wed him, at any rate, and you were born at the autumn solstice.” His voice grew softer. “I’d never seen Maran so happy. She had a smile for you that no one else in the world ever saw.” I glanced at him and saw that sorrow had left him, and now in his eyes and his voice lived softer memories of her. “I asked her once if she could see in you anything of me or of Marik, but she laughed and told me that she saw only herself in little.” He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “Or maybe not so little.” .
“Thanks.”
He snorted. “Wretched women, tall as houses the pair of you, and mean with it.”
“You think I’m mean now, just you stop talking and see what it gets you.”
“You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you? I’d have thought this lot was enough for one day,” he said, finishing his ale. “Speaking of which, how about some more to drink?”
“Of course,” I replied, and called the girl over. “A pot of chélan, with honey, and two mugs.”
“Chélan? What for?” he asked.
“What do you think? You always told me that after a long drinking session it helped clear the head. We’ve been at this since midmorning and it’s near dusk already.” My point was reinforced by our host, who came round with candles for the tables to banish the gathering shadows. More folk were coming into the tavern, their day’s work done, to quench their thirst. .
One corner of Jamie’s mouth twisted up and he looked at me from under his brows. “And are you feeling the effects of all this ale, you who never drink more than two pints?”
It hadn’t occurred to me. I was astounded to find that I was perfectly sober. Jamie laughed at my expression and clapped me on the shoulder. “You have just learned one of the great rules of drinking, my girl. When you are deeply concerned, when your heart is troubled by deep grief or sorrow, drink makes no difference no matter how much you take. But I will say , chélan sounds good.”
“Fine, it’s coming, now would you get on with it?” I said.
He sighed. “Lanen, must we finish this now?”
“Jamie, I’ve waited twenty-three years to hear all of this. I think now is as good a time as any.”
“Very well.” He sighed. “You see, Lanen, the men of Illsa have odd ideas about women. They are very possessive, and Lady rest his soul, as dense as Hadron was even he could count. The old wives in the village simply leered at him, assuming that he and Maran had been lovers from the day they met, but he well knew they had not. She had denied him until they were wed, as would any good, quiet Illsan maid. He thought his life long that you were my daughter, but when Maran left, he made me swear never to speak of her, and for the sake of his good name I must always refer to you as his child.”
“Jamie, why did you stay? You knew the truth, such as it was. Why did you cleave to Maran when she had denied you not once but twice?”
He turned his quiet countenance to me and smiled gently. “I stayed because I loved her, Lanen. And because as long as there was every a slim chance that you were mine, I would stay at your side to protect you.”
“And Maran?” I asked, my voice tinged with the bitterness I could not hide. “I have asked you all my life why she left, and you never answered. Tell me now.”
“She left because she had to,” answered Jamie, sitting back in his chair with his mug of chélan hugged to his chest. “Not for herself, though she was miserable with Hadron. she unbound him when she left, did you know that? Their joining was dissolved in the eyes of the Lady. I have since come to believe that she wed him because she needed somewhere safe for you to grow up, and knew she could not provide it.” He was staring into the depths of his mug; for all the world like a village wiccan preparing to read the future in chélan stains. “When you were six months old, she looked in the Farseer. Berys and Marik had recovered, more’s the pity, and were preparing to hunt for her. Seems we were lucky in one thing from what she could gather, the Farseer itself protected her from their sight. But she was convinced in her bones that they would find her, and she didn’t want them to find you.” He looked up at me,” Just in case.”
I had finally heard all that my heart could bear. I felt dizzy and had to brace myself on the table.
“She left right then, dissolving her ties with Hadron but leaving you in the only place she could think of where you would be safe. I begged her to let me come with her, bringing you, but she refused to take either of us into danger. She seemed to believe that somehow Hadronsstead would keep you safe. I was angry with her for years, hurt and miserable,’ but for whatever reason you are still alive. I have not heard from her since that day. And that is the end of it.
“And so, my lass,” he said to me quietly, “that is why I have never spoken. I had to keep my word to Hadron, and since his death I have been waiting for the right time. That is who you are, to the limit of my knowledge, and that is the Jamie you saw last night. I feared I could not call on him, he has been so long silent; but when I saw you threatened I welcomed him and his skills.” He coughed, then drank his mug dry. I was not surprised. I had not heard as much speech from Jamie in all the years I had known him.
Then he said quietly, one corner of his mouth lifted, “‘you know, that big bastard is still wondering how he happened to die last night. He never felt a thing.”
And all was right between us. I found myself answering , Jamie’s grin, proud now of the skill that had saved our lives. How could I be angry at him who had been father to me when there was no other—who might be my father in very truth? And if death had been his trade he had changed it for another and better, and for my mother’s sake. There had always been great love between Jamie and me; now it was closer and stronger than ever, and included my lost mother as well. I felt years older and shamed at my harsh child’s judgement of him.
“Jamie, I—”
“Now, then, my little Lanen. All’s well.” He smiled, the smile he kept for me alone. “I’m the better for having told you. I should have done it ages ago.”
‘I haven’t been anyone’s little Lanen for ten years,” I said, returning his smile. I had been well taller than Jamie since I was twelve.
“Ah, my girl, now there you’re wrong. My little Lanen you’ll always be.” He took my hand for a moment across the table. “And now, my little one, it is your turn.”
“For what?” I asked, genuinely confused. “You’ve known me forever, what could I possibly tell you?”
“I can’t imagine,” he said lightly. “You woke me the day we left to sign a contract it wasn’t light enough to read, you’re carrying silver enough for two months, and all this journey long you’ve said not a word about it. What could I possibly be wondering about?”
I grinned at him. “I can’t imagine. Now I’m concerned about that little bay mare, she seems to be limping on the near fore—”
He leaned over and swiped at the top of my head. “Terrible child” he said affectionately. “Your turn. I’m dry as the Southern Desert. Enough of chélan, I want ale. Ale!” he yelled, and the girl scurried over with a jug. “Now,” he said, “talk to me while I drink, my girl: Since you turned five I’ve known you would give your right arm to leave Hadronsstead—why now, so long after Hadron’s death? Why did you not leave at once? What has brought you to it at last?”
I told him of Walther’ s absurd proposal in as few words as I could, but even so we were laughing heartily by the time I was done. “Ah, young Walther, he’s not so bad a fellow,
just a bit slow in everything bar horses.” .
“I wish the horses joy of him. I swear, Jamie, if you had seen his face—well, I hope he and Alisonde are happy and have the decency to keep out of your way.”
“I won’t mind them. I shall see her and think of you well away with a calm heart. But I must know for my own peace where it is you are going.”
“I’m not sure myself. Away, mostly. There is a lot of Kolmar to see.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t try that with me, Lanen Maransdatter, I know you too well. Come tell me, where are you going and what do you seek? You and I are all the family we have left now, unless it be Maran’s mother or her brothers and sisters. I will follow behind you the rest of your days rather than let you go with no idea of where you are bound, or why.”
Maran’s mother, or her brothers and sisters. My grandmother, my aunts and uncles. I swore rapidly to myself in the silence of my soul that I would go one day to the village of Beskin and find that family I had never seen.
I liked the sound of “Maransdatter.”
But for now—I took a deep breath and told Jamie the deep desire of my heart, speaking it aloud for the first time.
“I seek the Dragons, Jamie. True Dragons, on the Dragon Isle itself. I have dreamt of them since I was a child, since I heard that bard sing the Song of the Winged Ones, and I have longed for them beyond all reason. I heard them in the silence that night, you know, heard their wings and a melody beyond hearing; and I have heard them in my dreams all these years since.”
“And what makes you think there will be a ship sailing, when so many have been lost? And what makes you think that you will survive where so many have died?” he asked solemnly. He shook his head, sadness in his eyes, but smiling at me as he always did when he knew I would have my will no matter what. “And what will you do when you find them, Lanen Kaelar?” he asked in a low voice.
“What? What did you call me?” I asked, shocked. How should he know that name I had chosen for myself?